The Dancing Mad Comedy Club
by Madnesshawk
Summary: Final Fantasy VI has it's own comedy club! Look for routines by your favorite FFVI characters, and maybe even some from other FF games! Please R
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I haven't been too active in the Final Fantasy fanfiction community until very recently, so I'm not sure if this idea has already been done before. If it has, then I humbly apologize to the author who did this before me, but I'm going to do it anyway. If, however, it hasn't, then welcome to my nightmare...I mean...vision. Also, I apologize for any formatting errors/lack of formatting since I'm saving these stories in txt format after writing them in Word. I found it to be the most effective way of doing things on this crappy computer of mine.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the...well, I think we all understand how this process works by now. You can just assume the obligatory disclaimer fills this space.  
  
Dancing Mad Comedy Club  
  
by Madnesshawk  
  
::Imagine a club. Good. Now imagine that club is a comedy club. Even better. Now...imagine that comedy club has a bar, ample seating, and a rather accommodating stage framed by red curtain and a brick wall background. Think Final Fantasy VI! Excellent, now twirl around three times and quack like a duck. What do you mean "no?" Fine, whatever. Anyway, now that you have a bit of an idea as to the setting, let the comedy begin.::  
  
::Returning to my proper role as narrator...am I there? Aw hell, I screwed it up again. Here we go! As the narrator returns to his proper descriptive role, a thief dressed in a rather sharp looking outfit walks onto the stage. The audience calms down and the idle banter tapers off. The thief clears his throat to introduce himself.::  
  
Thief: Welcome to the Dancing Mad Comedy Club! I'm your host, Johnny C. Bad, but you can call me Johnny. Tonight we have a special treat for you all. The almighty Kefka has come down from his tower to bestow upon us his impersonation talents! Let's give him a healthy round of applause.  
  
::As Kefka walks onto the stage the club is completely silent. Rather than applauding the insanely powerful madman, the crowd stares at him in fear. Some even stop breathing, afraid to make the slightest noise. Kefka takes notice of this.::  
  
Kefka: Sigh...I'm not going to set you on fire, slit your throats, OR fry you with the Light of Judgement-not tonight anyway! Now enjoy the show, I COMMAND YOU!  
  
::Everyone nods in frightened unison.::  
  
Kefka: Now for my first impression, I'm going to do the late Emperor Gestahl.  
  
::As if to punctuate his announcement, a large bang accompanied by a flash of light which blinds everyone present come and go within a matter of seconds. No longer is Kefka onstage, rather a perfect replica of Gestahl has taken his place. "Gestahl" speaks.::  
  
Kefka(Gestahl): Merton!  
  
::The crowd screams in terror at the uttering of that terrible magic word while the Gestahl figure upon stage merely laughs with childish glee. Seconds later there is another bang and a flash. Kefka has reappeared on stage.::  
  
Kefka: Fooled you!   
  
Audience Member: That wasn't very funny...  
  
Kefka: Silence, peon!   
  
Audience Member#2: No, he's right. That wasn't funny at all.   
  
Member#3: I think I soiled myself from fright!   
  
Member#1: THAT'S funny.  
  
Member#2: No, that's crude.  
  
Member#1: Do you have no sense of humour at all?   
  
Member#2: I'll have you know-  
  
Kefka: Sigh...SHUT UP!! Don't make me go Ultima on your asses!  
  
Everyone: AHHH!! NO, WE'LL BE GOOD!!  
  
Member#3: I think I soiled myself again...  
  
Member#2: Ugh...just...just go away.  
  
Member#1: Now hold on! He has every right to be here, weak bladder or not!  
  
Member#2: Since when were you the voice of the people?  
  
Kefka: THAT TEARS IT! Consider your warranty to live voided! In a matter of minutes, the Light of Judgment will destroy your pathetic comedy club!  
  
::With that said Kefka warps out of the club and back to his tower to prepare the Light.::  
  
Johnny: Well, I've lived a full life. Might as well leave this mortal coil while tanked. Bartender, gimmie your strongest brew.  
  
Ultros: Hey! You're talking to octopus royalty here! Ask nicely next time, ya freak.  
  
Johnny: Need I remind you that you're currently twenty grand in the hole here? I don't need to be nice to you.   
  
Ultros: Yeah, yeah...whatever.   
  
::The octopus hands Johnny his drink while the host checks his jewel encrusted gold watch (stolen, of course).::  
  
Johnny: That's odd. By all accounts, the Light should have fried us by now. What's up with that?  
  
::Meanwhile in Kefka's Tower.::  
  
::Kefka is pacing around the statues, obviously very upset about something. He's yelling rather loud in fact.::  
  
Kefka: What's so difficult about it?! This isn't rocket science! Just point and shoot! It's a small comedy club for God's sake!  
  
Statues: We're on Break!  
  
Kefka: ...I hope that wasn't an attempt at a joke.  
  
Statues: Well yeah. See, it's funny because we're statues made of stone, and the magic spell Break turns enemies into stone and-  
  
Kefka: -I get it already! It's not funny.  
  
Statues: Neither was your Gestahl impression. That routine stank so badly we could smell it from here.   
  
::Kefka sinks to his knees from stress and frustration, holding his head.::  
  
Kefka: I need a Remedy...ugh...  
  
::Back at the Dancing Mad Comedy Club Johnny is back on stage, stumbling around like the drunkard he currently is.::  
  
Johnny: Well, that's our...our...funny..thingy..show..for..::hic:: today! Come back on the...day..that isn't...today ::hic:: for more amusement....WHOA!!  
  
::CRASH! Johnny's graceful exit from the stage folks! Someone give him a hand up, eh?::  
  
Author's Note: I'm not sure if I'm entirely pleased with this yet. It might be a tad harder to pull off than I thought. However, I'd like to continue it and see how it goes. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Tell me what you think, since I'm not sure if this is any good, though it is just the first chapter. 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I've decided to simply sit down and write for this chapter. It's been nearly a month since I first put this story up, and I don't want it to become forgotten and neglected as most of my other fanfics did. Hopefully this chapter comes out nicely.   
  
Disclaimer: My name is not Square, nor is it Enix. My name is also not Square Enix. Therefore, I do not own Final Fantasy or any of it's characters. If that rat bastard Squre Enix tries to sue me, he'll be introduced to my friend Pointy Object.   
  
The Dancing Mad Comedy Club  
  
Chapter 2  
  
::My bologna has a first name, it's N-A-R-R-A-T-O-R. My bologna has a second name, it's AHHHH!! JESUS CHRIST! Don't sneak up on me like that! Bloody rude bunch, you fanfiction readers. Don't you knock or anything? What do you mean "I was raised in a barn by a transvestite cow." Yeah, well that excuse won't cut it around here. The next act? You want to know about the next act? Well, if you really must know, we're having King Edgar Roni Figaro in tonight to regail us all with royal humour. His act is just about to start...::  
  
Edgar: Good evening everyone. How are we all doing tonight?  
  
::The audience cheers.::  
  
Edgar: Very good. Are there any ladies between the ages of 19 and 25 in the audience tonight?  
  
::A few women in the audience cheer.::  
  
Edgar: Excellent. Please, ladies, meet me after the show and I'll treat you to an encore performance.   
  
::Edgar winks and the ladies start to edge towards the doorway, trying their best to look innocent. One woman cracks and jumps out the stained glass window nearest the door.::  
  
Edgar: That is an excellent example of what is wrong in our world of ruin today. Aside from all the monsters, the broken shards of our once beautiful continents, the rampant use of magic, the increased rate of thievery, our lack of reliable communication...  
  
::Two hours later...::  
  
Edgar: ...the Light of Judgement, Kefka's horrid tower, and Kefka himself, is the fact that women refuse to date me! Wait...now that I think about it, women have always refused to date me. You can disregard all of what I just said, everyone.  
  
::Immediately the comedy club patrons explode into an angry chorus of yelling and screaming at the king of Figaro. Apparently they don't take kindly to being jerked around for two hours by a king who obviously has no idea what he's talking about. He also isn't funny in the least. In any case, my bologna has a first and second name. Does yours? Didn't think so. On with the show!::  
  
Edgar: Ahem...so anyway...heh...um, what's the deal with chocobos? I mean, what's up with that?   
  
Audience: ...  
  
::At this time, the three audience members who enraged Kefka earlier decide that they can no longer keep quiet. For the sake of the author's fingers, and perhaps more clairity in the event of possible continuity (big words, eh?) I, THE NARRATOR, take it upon myself to name them. They are now called Bob, Bobby, and Robert.::  
  
Bob: You suck, Edgar!  
  
Bobby: Did your mother drop you on your head as a child?!  
  
Robert: Your act sucks so bad, I soiled myself!  
  
Bob: Heh heh...that's still funny.   
  
Bobby: No, it's still rather crude.  
  
Bob: Funny.  
  
Bobby: Crude.  
  
Bob: FUNNY!  
  
Bobby: CRUDE!  
  
Robert: QUIT YELLING! I soil myself when it gets really loud.  
  
Bob: Sorry, Robert.  
  
Robert: No, it's fine...you're too late..  
  
::The booing and swearing directed at Edgar continues all around the club and Johnny decides that he should finally step in. Perhaps stagger, it all depends on his blood alcohol level at the time. Personally, my money's on stagger. And the answer is...STEP! Oh my [expletive deleted!] God! That was unexpected. Good thing I don't have any money to lose. Anyway, Johnny steps onto the stage to grab the audiences attention.::  
  
Johnny: Everyone, I apologize for tonight's entertainment. Please don't get angry. In order to compensate for tonight's horrid performance I'm offering free drinks to anyone who wants one in the next ten minutes.  
  
::The audience cheers.::  
  
Johnny: And as for Edgar...I think he should exit stage left immediately.  
  
::The audience cheers much louder and Edgar shuffles dejectedly off the stage. As the king is heading towards the door a pair of hands cover his eyes from behind. A woman's voice is heard a second later.::  
  
Woman: Come with me, big boy. I'll make you feel better in no time.  
  
::Edgar perks up immediately and the woman drags him off towards the nearest closet whilst still keeping the kings eyes covered. A few of the audience members snicker quietly to themselves.::  
  
Johnny: Well, I guess that's our show for tonight. I'm just about as disappointed as the rest of you. At least you guys don't have to pay him. Speaking of which, Edgar hasn't bugged me for his payment yet. Has anyone seen the King of Figaro?   
  
Bob: Somebody dragged him off into a closet a few minutes ago.  
  
Johnny: I guess some girl must have taken EXTREME pity on him.  
  
Bob: Girl?  
  
::Scarcely a second later Edgar comes flying out of the closet screaming and running for his life.::  
  
Edgar: DEAR GOD! THAT'S A MAN!!! AHHHH!!   
  
WoMAN: Sweetie, come back to me! I wasn't finished yet!  
  
Edgar: AHHHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME DEVILSPAWN!!  
  
::Edgar practically flies out the front door of the club while the audience members laugh until they die. Well, only one died. A few were left in a coma, but that might have been alcohol induced. We're not quite sure.::  
  
Johnny: It's pretty bad when the narrator is funnier than the entertainment I had lined up. Oh well, see you tomorrow night when I light my own ass on fire!  
  
Author's Note: I think I get my best writing done when I sit down to a blank page and absolutely no idea of what I want to do. I actually didn't mind how this chapter turned out. Anyway, you're all welcome to submit ideas or suggestions on the acts you'd like to see and maybe I can fit them in here. Reviews of any kind are appreciated. They're like early Christmas gifts. 


End file.
